Ghosts I don’t mind being haunted by…

I don’t want to be one of those people who share their grief endlessly and monotonously, to the point that you can’t read their blog without feeling depressed.  So I have shared only a little here and there of the loss of my only child Crystal Xzan.  There are no words to express how beautiful she was inside or out or how much I miss her.  This world is insane without her and it’s because of her love for me that I can endure being here another moment.

A few weeks before she was diagnosed with cancer and told she was terminally ill at the tender age of 23, Crystal was new to computers and sat down one night with her hubby Jason and was messing around, learning how to use Media Movie Maker on Vista.  She made this movie of our lives together and wrote the poignant words that now comfort me when I miss her the most.

For all of you who are missing someone you’ll never see again in this lifetime…I hope you wlll watch this with me tonight and feel the love that my only child felt for me and be reminded that even as one chapter of our lives ends, a new one begins.  Mine began again on earth as hers began in heaven.  I do have hope to see her again in tha perfect place.  I feel so fortunate to have had the time I had with her here on Hell!  She would giggle at that…she had such a sense of humor…and she would have agreed that it was hard here on earth but she was happy to be here too.  She loved life and she fought so hard to have more time.  She had eleven more months after being told she only had two weeks to live.  That was my stubborn, willful daughter who believed in miracles and feared nothing and would not give up.

I am so proud of her.  She told me I had to get published before I die.  That every time I put a book on the shelves on earth they would appear in heaven and she’d be in the library in a comfy chair reading them and missing me.  I like to think that she has read Singing Heart and Sam there and soon she will be reading my third novel Silently Screaming.  When I get there she will still nag me to keep writing.  ha…ha…

She loved a good story more than anything else and I can’t begin to tell you how many of them I made up for her at bedtime as a little child.  When she was so ill that she could barely even keep her eyes open, she still would say, “Mommy tell me a story.”  I would tell her about heaven and how her father would come down and escort her home to be with him while I finished my time here on earth.  The week before she left this world she was far away.  She reached out and took my hand and smiled and asked.  “Do you see him Mommy?”

I asked, “See who baby?”

She looked at the foot of the bed and nodded.  “Daddy.  He’s wearing a black long coat with a bright white scarf around his neck.  It’s so long and he looks so young.”

I nearly cried because Fermin was a newscaster when we first met and he used to wear that long trench coat and the white scarf I get him for his birthday when it snowed.  He looked so handsome and always made my toes curl when he’d blow me a kiss heading out the door at four am tp READ the NEWS…   🙂

I had never told Crystal that story.  It was a memroy from my past I never thought to share. There was no way she could have known about that scarf.  I believe with all my heart that was her Daddy there watching over her waiting to take her home.  She believed it too and when she died it was with a smile on her face after the most agonizing year k of her life suffering that unspeakable pain.

This is the horror I think of when I remember her last year on earth and the comfort I find in knowing that SHE did not die.  She just left the planet.  With someone who loved her as much as I did.  She left me this video, unbeknownst to either of us when she made it, just how much those words would mean to me for the rest of my life.

There are no words I can share to express my true grief…but these are her words of comfort and love that I will treasure forever…with all my heart…

By darlenepurcell