I love the lights on the Christmas tree…they are magical. So many memories. Times like tonight when I sat in the dark, a warm glow from the fireplace and the lights from the tree reminding me that I have been loved unconditionally…even if I’m not now…I was. Perhaps I might be again…someday.
Love never dies…but that person does and everyone I’ve ever been close to is in heaven without me. I love my mother and we are growing old together. Roomies with nothing in common except my father who is also in heaven. Every day is a struggle. We don’t like the same foods, she doesn’t read and I’m a writer. ha…ha… How sad the only people left on earth who I have to share with, don’t even want to read my novels. Can’t share the excitement when I sell one or 370 people across the world downloaded it for free last week and have been tweeting me about it.
My thoughts wander at Christmas. To the ones I never had as a child, the ones I shared with my child and the ones that I stopped celebrating with the loss of my child…This is the first tree I’ve put up in twelve years for me…There is no Santa. I’m Santa. There are no gifts under the tree for me. Nothing in my stocking but oddly I’m not sad…Because you should have seen the look on my 75 year old mothers face today when I put six prezzies beautifully wrapped with her name on them under the tree that she didn’t want.
Suddenly her stocking appeared on the wall next to mine…the one she didn’t know where was or care to hang. I stuffed it with a candy cane filled with Hershey kisses, a giant chocolate Santa and a mesh bag of chocolate coins. Threw in a handful of assorted wrapped goodies and a huge candy cane. Just like the one her daddy used to buy during the holidays back in the great depression and break in to pieces for his eight kids. It meant everything to her then…I think just the nostalgia of it will mean everything to her now too.
She commented that she didn’t want to celebrate again this year because as usual she had nothing to give to me. And I don’t care…I just put up the tree and its not about prezzies…I never them as a child and when you have always been Santa, never really been visited by him…it doesn’t hurt your feelings unless you are the one who cannot give…
So I soothed her ruffled feelings and got her all excited about the beautiful mystery packages under the tree. They are little things. One big thing. Some jewelry I made for her. Some pot holders and dish towels all bright and cheery…hers are so worn out and it makes you happy when you have new things to work with around the house.
I gave her a brand new set of non stick skillets. She is always so cold. So I got her this gorgeous faux fur wrap that is like a scarf for her neck. It will make her feel like a movie star. I added a little golden angel stick pin that my daughter got when she completed radiation. It will be sentimental every time she wears it.
There is a HUGE box of Queen Anne Chocolate covered cherries. (40 pieces) Beginning to realize that I might have overdone the chocolate, but it after all really good for a woman’s heart…ha…ha…And she loves it!
She has one ear that is no longer pierced so I have to make her earrings as clip-ons instead of pierced. I make Swarovski crystal jewelry sets (necklace, bracelet and earrings) that my other mother sales in Dallas, Texas at her Estate Sales. Momma always falls in love with every set and wants to keep them. But I have to make a living so off they go in the mail. Her favorite color is red…so I noted one particular set she went crazy over a few weeks ago and replaced the earring wires with clips-ons. Wrapped them for her.
I can see her face when she opens them on Christmas day. We are so poor that everything in our lives is about survival. That breaks my heart more for her than myself. I am still hopeful that tomorrow will be better. I work hard to insure that it will. But for now we struggle and I don’t want my fragile mother…no matter how much she argues with me over every little thing or the fact that after 55 years she still treats me like I’m two and have no rights… to suffer another holiday feeling forgotten.
When Crystal was alive…she was the one I spoiled. Her birthday was June 1st and I went all out for it. Then half a year later she was treated like a princess on Christmas. I miss being her Santa…so I have made my mother the object of my affection and its hard sometimes. She is so hard to please. But in those packages under the tree…I have no doubt that each one will bring a smile to her face and add some joy to her life.
I am sitting here, laptop glowing in the dark, sipping hot cocoa, smiling as I admire the rosy glow of the lights shimmering in the tree…and I’m relieving all the moments in time that were the happiest. Laughing children, adorable hubby, flickering fireplace and the smell of ham baking and cherry pies already cooling.
I miss my life…the one I created. It wasn’t God that stole it from me. I can’t even blame the Grinch. It was simply time, cancer and a series of unfortunate events that robbed me of the people I loved to share with the most. But I am hoping they are together, thinking of me right now, in heaven. That someday we’ll be together and the holidays will never be sad again.
I am determined not to let another year pass grieving over what I have lost…but rather to be grateful for what I have left. I think that Christmas spirit infused my mothers heart today…because she’s been singing carols all day…