My Gitty Up and Go…Gotty Up and Went!!!


When I was younger…I could pack and move a three bedroom house in one day and have it unpacked, dinner on the table by the time my daughter got out of school the next day in the new place…

I had so much energy then.  I worked full time as a bookkeeper and a commercial artist.  Came home to take care of her and the house, laundry and when he was there a hubby…

Let’s don’t forget all his family, friends, the cat, all their dogs and cats, my kid and all her friends, the neighbors and my family who literally believed mi casa es su casa… 😉

I don’t remember ever watching a movie when I was young, unless I sneaked out to a theater with someone while everyone else was sleeping.

Years in the kitchen made me a gourmet cook and baker, but these days I’d just as soon share a tuna sandwich with the cat.

My load is light now…just me and my mother as roomies, her assorted furry purrys and mine.  Now and then an email or phone call from the last two relatives we have in our immediate family that haven’t preceded us to heaven…(cancer is rampant in my family)

But as easy as the days are…allowing me to do anything I want with my time…having someone else who CAN cook if I don’t want to or don’t feel up to it…one load of laundry a week plus sheets and a blanket…wow…if I’d had it this easy back then I might have had time to make more memories with those I love instead of being the caretaker that smoothed the path for them to follow their dreams…

I am dreaming…dreaming that I am going to win PCH or the lottery, or maybe some day one of my novels on Amazon will go viral and we’ll have some comfort in our old age…

I don’t need much. Neither does Momma…but it would be nice to not run out of food the last three days of the month and that’s eating lot of beans and cornbread the rest of the month.  It would be so nice to just go somewhere for fun and enjoy ourselves.  To buy something we want…instead of just things we need.  But even more…to have the things we need!

We are the new face of poverty in America.  But it didn’t begin with the recession.  It began 5 years with an Ice Storm that destroyed our home and everything we had worked a lifetime to have.

Unless you’ve ever suffered the loss of EVERYTHING including your car, your home, your bed, clothes, sewing machine, tv, washer and dryer, ice box, stove, toothpicks, cotton swabs.  I can’t even find a needle to sew a button on.

With the loss of our home was the loss of my job without a car to get there. I lived rurally and it was not walking distance.  When I tell people our combined income pays the bills, I mean it pays just the bills.  The rent, utilities and car insurance.  I inherited the fifteen year old car I drive when my daughter died.  And its saved our lives but its on its last lag too…

We have no furniture.  In five years you’d think we were able to replace at least most of the things we lost…but there again…I spent a year after working to keep us alive with bare necessities in a new city.  Then my daughter became deathly ill and I spent the next 11 months unable to work.  Taking care of her round the clock, and endless car rides sixty miles to Tulsa four times a week for chemo and radiation…until she couldn’t fight that monster any longer…

My son in law moved out with everything he wanted and I didn’t argue with him.  But again we are left with nothing to work with.  We both have a bed and nightstand and no flooring, just the raw wood where old tiles popped up and finally are all gone.  I did manage to paint the walls last summer, but wind howls through the walls and lifts the roof every time we have a storm. Its a mobile home, out in the middle of no where.
I love the cows in the pasture, bambi and thumper in my front yard and the big black dog that roams the neighborhood and has fallen in love with me…he’s twice my size but I adore him and I think he has forgotten he belongs to the people down the road… 🙂

Poverty means not having money to buy shampoo, toilet paper and dish wash, detergent or bleach.  Never enough food for us or the babies we care for.  All dumped on us by cold heart-ed owners who didn’t want them after they no longer were cute kittens or puppies…Left to be run over or starve to death on a lonely country road.  They found us and I can’t let anything go hungry or be lonely or feel afraid if I can possibly give it even a bite of my own meal and hold it close to make it feel my love…

I’ve just spent the past six days with no sleep.  Just a few hours here and there.  Nursing all our babies who had something airborne, they are all indoor cats and have all been fixed, had inoculations and some are nearly a decade old. I just can’t fathom how they got this except it came from a gust of wind. No one pets them but us. They run if anyone comes to visit and hide in places you’d never imagine they could. 🙂

Its some kind of virus, that leads to a fever, stopped up nose and then pneumonia.  Fortunately for them I have spent the past 12 years of my life taking care of people who were terminally ill…and I have learned a lot that can be used on animals as well to keep them breathing and nourished with a dropper, vaporizer and vicks, chicken broth…

We didn’t lose anyone but for awhile…horrifyingly I thought we might lose them all…I am exhausted..but so happy today to only have one to still nurse through this.  The others are finally bouncing off the walls…eating like piglets and chattering my arm off…purring so loudly the entire house reverberates with their love…

I miss my daughter, father, husband, grandmother, best friend, so many others…who have left this world in the past ten years without me.  I never expected to end my life alone after so many years of having such a huge clan in my living room and kitchen and banging the door down to get in the bath so I could go back to work…

I miss that sense of love and family…extended family…the ups and downs…now my life is whatever the world is forcing upon me.  Taxes, tornadoes, insurance, bills, its all about money.  I roll with the punches and do without what I cannot afford.  It hurts sometimes…but not half as much as it bothers me that my mother who is elderly is suffering the same things I am at a time in her life when she worked her whole life so hard and so lovingly to give to others…should be out playing slots at the casino and drinking margaritas with her favorite mexican food.

I pray every day that I will win the big one…or that someone will buy my novels…or that I’ll win the lottery.  I don’t need a windfall, Lord I need a Tsunami! 😛

But I dare not complain.  Just this past month many people I know and care for were devastated by their own natural disaster, Hurricane Sandy and I am looking around the house, in the closet for anything to send to help them survive.  I feel rich in comparison, at least I have a roof over my head and the electricity is working.  I have been in their shoes and I had to push through that with my own self will for us to survive.  So I know how scary and hard it is to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I still barely just see a glimmer after five years…But it is there…and I keep crawling, pushing, moving forward against the odds…grateful just to wake up today and to have had lunch, even if it was beans…again…

To see my mothers beautiful smile…to hear the purring of joy as the babies run chasing each other squealing and screaming, thrilled to be well again…

I sat in church this morning…I’ve been so ill this past year that I could not get out of bed and I’ve made myself get up and LIVE again…

I’m nauseated, dizzy and feel faint when I am on my feet…so I do things in ways that I don’t have to stand…at least for long…I can drive…sit in a pew…so I did…and it was such a mind blowing service.  Not the usual come down the aisle and be saved sermon…

It was about Heaven…and the signs of the times and how so many young and old people are dying…as if they are being called to heaven for some special reason…But most of all it was about seeing those people again…how beautiful it is there and god’s promises to us about life after death…

I needed to hear that today…I just found out last night that someone very dear to me only has a short time left in this world.  There have been so many in recent years, too many losses that I am in shock…devastated and I want to run screaming down the road and never look back…But I won’t…I’ll just be here…hand out, smile from my heart and I’ll cry in my pillow in the dark…

Today God spoke to me in his own way and reassured me that is not the end…its just the beginning and no matter how old or tired or poverty stricken or how much we struggle with survival…or how hard we push towards our dreams whether we win or lose…that he loves each of us…here on earth and there in heaven… as if we were his only child…and that he is always there with us…

So here I am sharing that message…there is at least one person reading this who needed to hear that their life isn’t as bad as they think it is..or they are not alone in the world…because even if every person you ever knew died…you still have your guardian angels, your earth angels, and God with you…every step of the way…the rest of your life!

He loves you and all you have to do is just talk to him to feel that love…he sends you proof of that love time and again…He bestows miracles upon you whether or not you even notice them…
Everything will be alright…it might be hard..but its not over until it really over and then you have just begun again, in the most perfect place of all with those you are missing now.

My heart is so broken…the love I long for, miss so much fills my novels. In telling those stories…sharing those emotions…that love lives on in this world forever…and that keeps me sane…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s