I long for Winter year round…perhaps because I was born in November…I’m also nocturnal…having arrived close to noon the day I was born. I do believe there are many factors involved in what makes us happiest…that we aren’t even aware of.
I await the colder months all year long…in Texas that’s the last three weeks in January. But this year, after 115 degree ozone days for nearly three years since I came back to take care of my Dad… we’ve had a miraculous reprieve. Almost like a gift from God who knows how much I suffer in the heat. Or maybe he wanted him my dad to enjoy his last days in comfort. We have both revelled in a million shades of Autumn and threw snowballs like geriatric kids, giggling and thrilled to be part of nature.
Today was gorgeous. A high of 54 degrees and as the sun sank vividly into a golden horizon, the night cloaked by a cape purple velvet splattered with shimmering diamonds emerged and the temp plummeted instantly to the mid twenties.
I’m cuddled up in a warm quilt, fresh from a hot bath, feeling squeaky clean in a voluminous pink granny gown. My hair is braided and feet warm in purple fluffy slippers that my mother bought me for Christmas. Everytime I wear them I feel so love and pampered.
I reek of ‘Tea Rose’ perfume, my favorite since I was fifteen…some things don’t need to change. I like it that even though I have to order it online now, it’s still available. Like my Strawberry Suave shampoo that I’ve used all my life and the price never changed except for a few pennies. I really should write that company and thank them for such a great product and an affordable price.
It’s funny what people remember about you. The twins were telling me recently that they always felt loved because I buttered both sides of their toast and even at 29 they keptl the dolls I made them one Christmas, embroidered to look like each one of the girls…they still love them, better than any I ever bought.
Crystal…my baby girl..misses homemade peanut butter cookies and Mommy singing in the kitchen when she woke up. I miss her hugging my knees and looking up with those huge brown eyes filled with mischief declaring. “I’m sooo glad I chose you to be my Mommy!”
She’s nearly twenty now and far away like all the babies I’ve loved and nurtured in my life…I miss them all so much but she will always be my “Baby”. No matter how many babies she has of her own.
She called me just now to feel me close. She is the reason I started this journal. So that when she misses me she can come and read what was on my mind today.
So when you finally get to read this;
“I love you Crystal!”
I love ALL of my family and friends. There is no amount of space that any of you can take up in my heart that could ever cram it too full. I have infinite room for the entire world…and beyond.
But out of all of those I love, despite any bonds I have with my parents or siblings or other children, or loves that I’ve known..,You my darling daughter…have the power to crush me with a single tear of pain that your suffering or to heal me with your smile.
You are the best choice I ever made in my life and sharing this time with you has been the joy that everyone dreams of and only some ever know. I am so blessed and grateful for your love.
Happy that you “chose” me to be your mommy.
I walked today… out in the park, by the lake that runs through town…Took some old bread and fed the ducks. There are so many of them that they swarm on you ravenous, scolding you for not hurrying faster to feed them….
I make sure after they are gorging that I go farther down the incline and throw crumbs for the black birds who are too tiny to compete with the larger birds…
I am so lonely every day. But when I go there I can feel all of the universe in the palm of my hand. People smiling as they pass by and the sun kissing the top of my head. I see you in every child of every age and the young women there with their babies… I miss you even more.
The wind is so soothing…caressing my cheek and God, who always lives inside of me comes out and walks with me…holding my hand. Pulling me along showing off his little piece of Heaven in the heart of living hell…
There I am free, to be fifteen again…Innocent…Untouched by all that haunts me now. Energized. I forget that I’m ill or tired. Old. I can breathe so deep and grow strong in the moment pushing to walk just a little farther to make to the Gazebo right in the middle of the lake over the bridge...
I am filled with love and healed for that moment.
Then I come home and I go through my day, missing you. Wondering what your doing and who you’re sharing with? Does Jason know how lucky he is to have the most precious woman in the world spending life with him?
I know he does. I love him too. He’s a good man and you’re lucky too. Good men are so hard to find. But now you know they do exist even though they never came around in your childhood. You’ve learned a valuable lesson. That things can change. For the better.
I’ve been watching “You’ve Got Mail”. I wish I could embed the song that Harry Nilson sings in the end, on this site…but it’s an MP3 and impossible. Too large for this space. I’m listening to it right now on my headphones. It’s been my favorite song since the first time I ever watched the movie.
Funny how I never liked it till I heard him sing and in that moment when Shop Girl and the man she love/hated met in person…
Don’t you wish that life could have that kind of happy ending? I believe it will for you…You’re journey has just begun and you have so much talent, an amazing heart, mind and soul. Those are your tools to carry you far in to the future no matter what is going on around you. Be generous with your love and make choices that increase your joy…not those that diminish it.
Don’t be afraid. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking your own path. Walk your own talk. Talk straight from your heart.
Remember that imagination creates reality with a little elbow grease. That you are here not to live someone else’s dreams but to follow your own while sharing yours..
I love you Crystal. This journal may be viewed by the rest of the world. But it is addressed to you…because this is the only part of me that I still can still share with you in the distance.
Sweet dreams my darling daughter.
Copyright © 2005 by Darlene Purcell All rights reserved.