It's soooooooooo gorgeous outside my front door. Not hot or cold...balmy is a good word. Just a steady soft rain that has continued all through the night and a bright sky but no direct sunshine. Perfect weather to write. It's my day off so I will be doing exactly that after I share a few minutes with you. When I was a little girl, I was so shy that I couldn't tinkle with my mother in the room and being the good Mommy that she was my mother would never leave a little bitty child alone in a bathroom.... Lordy, I might have drowned in the toilet or cut myself playing with my Daddy's razor. :) Or so she said. (I was such a well behaved child I think I've only had naughty ideas since my daughter taught them to me.) My little girl had a too fertile imagination and penchant for actually doing the insane things that you shudder in horror that your child might get in to... ha...ha... I grew up to be a worry wart like my mother, and thanks to her, I also placed this well meaning curse on my daughter. (Sorry baby girl!) I too turned on the water faucet to speed up nature and drown a little shy girls timidity. :) (except my daughter has never had a shy bone in her body...she just like sitting on the potty and chatting with Mommy...such a social child...I would give anything if she were still that little still...I miss her so much) I would be miserable visiting Niagra Falls...which may be why I've never rushed there.... :) I do have a waterfall in the Ozarks that I used to sit behind and write, totally hidden from the world and my brutish hubby... It was so peaceful...One place I could be totally alone with my thoughts and concentrate for a few precious hours...The sound there was very similar to the rain today...strong... endless... I laid here last night...unable to sleep...Enthralled as I have always been by nature...with my front door open...The street light illuminated silver droplets imitating mercury as they slid heavily hugging the windowpane... I couldn't rest...having the urge to answer another call of nature...ha...ha...I silently apologized to my daughter who has thanked me recently for that same curse....when her husband took her fishing at a wonderful resort with his mom and dad and all she heard for three days was the swoosh of rushing water and rapids... I think last night was a fitting payback.... :) But I'm still debating a fitting payback for my own mother! As I lay there for hours daydreaming, a million topics rushing through my mind...I realized a truth...something you don't consciously debate... I am at that awkward age... I have spent my entire life at an awkward age... You know the transition period from one stage of life to another... You go through it in babyhood...when your too little to play with the big kids and then one day you are the big kid and the babies are too childish... Then your in puberty...too young to consummate your wild erotic urges and too aroused to listen to adult reason... But there is that one guy you're in love with who acts all macho and when you call his bluff runs like the baby he still is...leaving your virginity in tact... Or was that one of God's angels protecting you from your own folly? Then you're grown...struggling to ingratiate yourself into society and you're just a puny peon...no matter how talented, energetic, ambitious you are... You are treated like a baby again....Slowly you work yourself up the ladder...Older people treating you with disrespect and younger people calling you maam...(don't you feel like bitch slapping the latter?) You are Mommy and everyone and their pets come to you for everything...You learn to earn the bread while your baking it, serving and cleaning up the crumbs...You're lost in the crowd... The anchor that no one notices...You wear so many caps that some days you have several on top of each other and mostly on backwards running to get everything done and passing out too tired to realize you didn't take care of yourself... Then one day you wake up and all that you worked so long and hard for...is done...Earned! You own the house...the furniture is worn out from too many teenyboppers and their heavy boots or rambunctious behavior...so you give it to the kids as they move out and start looking to see what you might like as a single person..not that you know what you actually like after all those years of being told what you had to have for others... You're hubby forces the sale of the home you have worked so hard for to secure your future in old age...taking his share to re-live his youth with a younger woman...He calls up up two years later complaining, begging you to come back to him, to cook and clean and make love like a real woman and have an intelligent conversation...he's so tired of raising her... You snicker and say..."Call your mother!" hanging up the phone gleefully...realizing you ARE free...from this moment forward its YOUR life...Anything YOU choose to make it...It has taken awhile to quit crying with a broken heart over all that you so lovingly nurtured who deserted you and left you old and weary...suffering an empty nest and divorce alone... But you have arrived...Now you have their excitement while you move forward in to your own dreams...that you have waited forever to make realities... The children call you on cell phones late at night from several states over when the minutes are free...Still waking you up at three am..crying...but this time not hungry for a bottle or miserable with a wet bootie...or burning up with a fever...They are at that awkward age you are so glad you finally outgrew and you are sympathetic... knowing it's the best of times and the worst of times for them too... I'm at that awkward age I dreamed of all my life...as a little child longing to have control over my life and a young mother and wife wishing for things to be honed and smoothly flowing... The time in life when I have only me to take care of, time to sleep, can eat whatever I want and don't have to worry about getting pregnant. The kids are adults and responsible for their own choices. My job is done... Like all middle aged people....who have transitioned between empty nest and are not yet a grandparent...whose own parents have become their children... I am at that awkward moment in time when I am too mature to experiment with my life like I did in my youth...thinking I was indestructible....and too young to sit in a rocker and await death... There is a whole world to be explored...I finally know who I am and what is most important to me and I have become picky about who I share with even in friendship and how much I give .... I don’t have the energy to waste on futile ventures or the time to ponder mysteries that will never unfold...I have evolved in to that moment in time when I live in the present and realize it might be the only day I ever have.... I am peaceful...as the rain on the top of the tin roof that lulled me finally to sleep in the wee hours... But my spirit...like my bladder refuses to be ignored...as nature urges me to answer the call... ’m a young woman trapped in a body that is changing with gravity and preparing itself for old age... My back hurts when I wake up and there is no one to massage it...My hands ache every moment with arthritis...but I will not stop writing or sewing or doing all the things I love...I know that they will be throbbing at the end of the day ....but that if I continue using them..they will loosen up after I've had my second cuppa hot cocoa...and get them warmed up.... I will not let pain turn my smile inward...or dim the glow in my eyes as I look out on a new day... I am at that awkward age...when I still dream not of prince charming...but of my other half...my twin soul...sharing the rest of the rest...That one who was born in heaven with me...and whose love will be consummated here on earth together... Yes, I do still believe there is someone made for each of us...but as we age...what are the odds of meeting him and will he be too jaded to open his heart and arms to welcome me? I plan for travel and make my dreams in to reality with each class I take...learning to bake professional decorate cakes...or paint with oils...which is far different than acrylics...lately I’ve been ball room dancing with a stranger who is fast becoming the most wonderful dance partner I could ever have asked for...We are companions in fulfilling a mutual dream even though we never talk outside of class... I'm learning that you can have your dreams...Maybe not the way you envisioned them...sometimes even better.... I am growing in ways that I dreamed of as a child...Old enough and young enough....Free...to live... I woke up this morning....thinking of a million things I'm grateful for...Most of all for the love I've known... I giggled as I ran to the powder room...miserable from the sounds of the rain in my sleep...Happily...Knowing that my mother loved me so much...that she never let me sit alone so she found a way to hurry me along... when someone else who didn’t care might have rushed off and left me there... I smiled in the distance to my daughter...whose voice is the last I hear every nite on the phone...charmed with her laughter which still rings in my heart from last night as she whispered sleepily.."I love you Mommy, sweet dreams and have a beautiful tomorrow." I love being at this awkward age...Don't you? Copyright © 2001 by Darlene Purcell All rights reserved.