Final hours…


I haven’t slept much this past year…I’ve been my daughter’s full time caregiver the past eleven months and in recent weeks we’ve gone back to meds every hour round the clock.
Yesterday was a nightmare. Her cancer pain spiraled out of control and the tumors in her liver, spinal cord and around her heart have grown in just the past few days to a point that she can’t be turned even to be bathed.
 She has kept a brave smile all through this agony but she is in crying pain now no matter how much we add to her meds. Yesterday they were doubled and today Hospice is finally coming out with a Deladed drip.
Her doctor told me to stop offering her food and just give her liquids now and asked permission to give her powerful medication to help her sleep so that she is unaware and in less pain.

That begins this morning…and I spent the day and night talking to and holding her, telling her how much I love her and talking about the afterlife and meeting again…

Just as children are all different and none come with a specialized manual, so I found myself again, as her mother winging it, relying on my heart and God’s hand in mine to try to bring her comfort, hope and peace, to alleviate her fears…while swallowing my own.

I feel I have lost her already, in so many ways, she is so different, (her brain has been radiated and she is mentally challenged now) but then I look in her eyes and I still see my precious crystal in there…looking at me hopefully, trustingly and I find that I can move mountains, can push for miracles…

But in the end no matter how bravely we have fought together, no matter how much we hope and pray and believe in miracles, we lose the war…with the satisfaction having won only a few battles…
and it breaks my heart…and hers.

I know what its like to lose the love of your life…I lost Crystal’s Dad ten years ago, Aug 9th…The only thing that got me through that heartache was the part of him I still had, our love child…

There are so many things about her that reminded me of him. The way she ran her fingers through her hair, grinned, those dancing brown eyes…that indominatable spirit.

I still miss him…Crystal is us as one…our only child…and losing her is like losing him all over again. I feel so empty at the thought of being here without either of them…Its unbearable…

If losing him was hard…losing her is even harder…Her soul mingled with mine when she grew inside of me and we have always been extraordinarily close…best friends as women…

I know shortly there will be that moment in time when I wake up and I will never see her again in this lifetime…

I cannot find words to express that agony…

When this started…back in October 2008…we thought of time as a year or so left…then it was months…weeks…days…and this morning the oncologists told me its only a matter of hours…

She has such a strong will to live…she is fighting to hold on when she needs to be letting go…the struggle is only causing her more pain…

But loving her I long for every extra moment…and loving her I long for her to be pain free so I obediently do the doctors bidding with her medications and I keep a lonely vigil by her side…holding my breath…steeling myself for what I have no control of…

This is my day…bittersweet…filled with the moments that I can still touch her even if she is asleep…dreading the moment that bed will be empty…and my heart will be too broken to ever repair…

Even though time teaches us to cope…it never takes the pain from our souls completely…

I’m terrified of that in losing her…I am losing my own life…and I know already that nothing will ever be right again…
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3 comments on “Final hours…

  1. Such a heartfelt, touching and sorrowful story but one that many can relate to. Thank God you will be reunited with your beloved daughter as well as her dad later on…

    • You have been my source of strength from the moment she was diagnosed and my true friend Terry…I am so grateful for your kindness and encouragment through all of this. I will never stop mourning or missing Crystal…but if I have to live in this world without her I am so blessed to still share it with beautiful friends like you!

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