Don’t be afraid…(sept 2009)


My Darling Daughter Crystal Xzan,

The words in my novels have always  flowed from my heart, as if they weren’t really mine, I was merely a tool for the real author to use as I wrote it all down…But today I am the authoress…and I wish with all my heart I could write us both a happy ending…

I pray in this moment that unseen author of my soul will come to my rescue and give me the right words of comfort to give you strength and help us both find peace to endure this nightmare we are sharing.

I have always loved you…even before you were ever concieved I longed to know you in person and hold you in my arms. I named you while I was still a little girl and I was nearly an old woman when you finally came to spend the rest of the rest with me…

I thought it would be you holding my hand as I sighed wistfully at leaving and going home…but instead its me holding you tightly, and in some ways I’m glad that you won’t be alone when you leave this world…in others its so sad that you are leaving first, you have barely begun to even live…

Oh if I could only trade places with you…I would willingly do so…I’ve begged God to spare your life and take me instead but my pleading falls seemingly upon deaf ears. Its so unfair! This monster is eating you alive and I can’t stop it…You have fought so bravely, suffered so much pain, now in the moment when we thought we had a miracle something new has crept in…unseen and vicious…

So here is the conversation we have avoided…the one that we both have dreaded…The moment in time when we begin to make plans so that when you leave this world…you can go home, peacefully and not be afraid or broken hearted at leaving the rest of us behind.

You have trusted me with your life all these years…believed in everything I’ve told you…please trust in me now when it counts the most…I want to ease your fears and help you find that place inside of you to accept what neither of us can change…

This is hell, my darling child…This is a dream that you will awaken from and soon forget with the joy of awakening and being home at last. Everything you have felt missing from this place in time…all the people you’ve missed, longed to find…are there waiting for you already. In the blink of an eye, an eternity to me on earth…I will miss you so much and mourn your departure…you will see me almost as soon as you arrive, for there is no time in heaven…There is no beginning and there will be no ending…Just everlasting beautiful life…

Don’t be afraid…No matter how tough this gets here on earth…how painful or scary it is…it will lead you home…To those you miss who already preceded you back. Finally you will know your Daddy in person…the real person, beautiful soul that I so loved long before you decided to join us…become part of us both…You will finally understand how I adored him and could still miss him or love him so long after he left our lives…He is here now trying to comfort and prepare you for this transition, even though you only see him in your dreams…He will be there in the moment that I can’t be, taking your hand and holding you close, catching up with you and all the things you both missed together…guiding you home…

I know you will not forget me…even though you will forget this world and be happy to make sense of all the insanity…I too will come home in my own time and way and while it will be so empty without you here sharing with me…I know deep in my heart that we will be together again in a beautiful place in time. No more sadness, pain or sorrow. All of our dreams come true there. It is after all…heaven…

I love you so much Crystal Xzan and if I wrote library of books there would never be enough words to tell you how hard it is to let you go with a smile and a kiss…when I desperately long to hold on to you forever in this world. But that is selfish of me. I have seen the others side…I know from whence we came and where we go when we leave these imperfect bodies…

You will never die…You will not be a vapor floating aimlessly, trapped in limbo by memories…No my precious girl…You are and will always be “You!” Solid and energized, so radiantly beautiful…

I see you surrounded in radiant light, long flowing dark tresses, adorned in flowing golden robes…with those sparkling dark eyes, surrounded by the children you couldn’t birth here on earth…blessed in Heaven with everything you missed here…

I know that in the moment I come home…you will be the one standing there eyes shining with love and adoration, arms wide open…loving me, welcoming me home…

Today I heard the news that no parent should ever have to tell their child. You have fought so long and bravely. I’m so proud of you! But the fight is over. Theres nothing left to hold on to. Only a miracle can change this news. I do believe in miracles but perhaps God has other plans that have nothing to do with my wishes for you.

Its your turn now…soon. Nothing I can say or do can stop that. I have done all I can and so have you. Its time to let go and live in the now, from now on…To say all the things we can find the words to say and do all the things we still can do…When you are ready take your fathers hand and let mine go for a moment…until I can be there with you…I will be there with you, Never doubt that!

This I know…and I give to you as my final gift, the knowledge that life never ends…We will be together again…

I love you Crystal Xzan.
Always,
Mommy

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