Cancer…


I can’t sleep…I have three weeks of radiation with my daughter beginning tomorrow…long distance of course.  She isn’t suffering enough just doing the treatments, in addition is the drama and discomfirt of being in a strange town, a hotel room surrounded by strangers…the endless,excruciating car rides across bumpy hills, her feelings of being humiliated by the wheelchair, oxygen tank and catheter bag that are not hidden to public eyes.

This isn’t her first radiation…its the second…but this one is to her nose…which she can’t breathe out of because of a malignant tumor the size of a golf ball that is growing daily faster than we can keep up with it…She can’t see either, its covered her eye…

She is terminally ill with cervical cancer that has metasticised in her lungs, now her nose and possibly her knee…definitely her spine…will it go to her brain next…I shudder in dread worrying that she will lose her mind before her suffering is over.

Its horrifying..and after five months of no sleep, too much travel and not enough joy joy…she and I are both worn out and can barely face tomorrow…back on the road…

We have a full tank of gas the church filled up for us…it will be empty by the time we reach our destination…We have no food money…the American Cancer Society has gotten us a room for this week but the next two are still iffy…the treatments are not optional.  She has known from the beginning that the end will be the same no matter how hard she fights for more time, but now its no longer about time, its pallative care so she can breathe, to control all the pain wracking her body as the tumors grow by the thousands daily.

I can’t work because she needs me full time…so we are always struggling for things we need.  Even little things we once took for granted.  Shampoo, toilet paper, food.  I’ve lost everything I’ve ever worked for the past 32 years and used up the last of my retirement as Cancer is not only eating her alive, but our finances…Its her last Christmas on earth and I can’t even buy her a present.  She tells me she doesn’t care that she’s happy just to spend it with me, but I mind…and I care!!!!

I cannot sleep and I come here sometimes just to hear what the rest of the world is doing…longing for her to be healed and selfishly wishing things were just normal again.  That I could have had a hot meal tonight, see the latest movie and smile at someone smiling back, felt a warm hug of comfort.  I am the arms that hold on tight.  No one holds me…

The hardest part of this isn’t the fight…its knowing that now matter how bravely we go in to battle, we cannot win the war…

The one who I’m losing is the only one I have left on the planet who really matters to me….  I can’t bear to lose my only child…for her to suffer this way and I feel helpless as I do everything in  my power to ease her pain, knowing its just increasing…I would if I could take her place, willingly…I have begged God to let me die instead of her, my cries fall upon deaf ears…and my heart is so broken all I can do is live one moment at a time cherishing each second we still have together…

I cannot sleep…the night is endless…as I lay here tossing and turning an wishing I could awaken from this nightmare…but I’m already awake…

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5 comments on “Cancer…

  1. I can’t imagine how tough this is. I pray that God will comfort you and your daughter and bring relief. You are both precious.

    • Kathryn,
      You would have like Crystal very much…she was quite a character and sooo sweet! You can see her on utube if you like…I placed her memorial there..its a tribute to her life…

      Thanks for your kind words…as time passes I am going to share more about her life and battle with cancer…it was her wish to have a voice in the world to help save other lives and it taken me three years to get the strength to put her voice out there… 🙂

      • I watched the whole video and cried. I know she had a wonderful purpose here on earth. Only God knows.

      • Aside from the fact that I dreamed of having a daughter and named her at the age of 11 and didn’t get her until I was 27…so that made her a miracle…because I had finally given up the idea of having her…when she suddenly was concieved against all odds…

        She brought so much laughter and joy to all her family and friends…she was such a character and I never met anyone as social as she was…she was so charismatic…people of all ages were attracted to her…

        But there are several people who needed her besides me, her father who was a confirmed bachelor and much older…she turned his life inside out and was the joy of his life too…

        There was his mother who longed for a grandchild…and Crystal looked and acted so much liker her that she was very flattered and so smitten that with child… 🙂

        Joyce…was Crystal’s boyfriend’s mother…and she was dying on someone sofa long distance from cervial cancer. You saw her in the video with Crystal’s arm around her. What you don’t know is that my sixteen year old rescued her, brought her all the way from Dallas, TX to OK, and nursec her until she died four months later. Do you have any idea what that like for a chlid her age. She never left her side. Day or night. Cancer is not a pretty disease. She had nightmares after and then horrifyingly 8 year later died of the same disease. We asked the doctors how long it took for her to get to that stage from when it began and they told us about eight years. Just about the time that Joyce died…I no longer beieve that Cancer is not contagious…

        If not for my daughter…and her kindness Joyce would have died a horrible death with no pain meds in her own body function on a sofa. No one was taking care of her. She was in agony.

        So her being here made a difference…and then there was Ruby…

        A young girl who was gang attacked in high school and about to be knifed when my duaghter stepped in and took the knife out of thier hands and Ruby ran. Well Crystal was a hero…but not in the eyes of the law. She was handcuffed along with the gang members and taken to jail where I had to pick her up. Then served six weeks detention the rest of the school year with those gang members threatening her daily.

        Finally we went to court whree a judge never heard her side of the story, becaues she was never allowed by anyone to ever tell it. The charges against her were the law. That you run to get a teacher when a child life is threatened. I had to pay a five hundred dollar fine which I could not afford and she was given probation for a year.

        In the interim the gang tried to kill her. Threatenedd her and our home all summer long after school let out. When she was done with everything, she and Ruby became close friends and I moved us OUT of Texas to a state where a hero is treated like one…not like a criminal.

        She had mnay injustices in her lifetime…but Crystal was always the underdog…taling in people who had no where else to go…feeding them, clothing them, helping them get a job and a place to live. Taking care of their kids. She was wise beyond her years and she had a house full of animals…she was so tender hearted. The man she married was adopted and he always felt like he didn’t really belong to anyone but Crystal made him feel like he belonged to her and so I’d say that she was her for him too…

        She was born to be here for so many people and she wan’t ready to laeve…but I have to believe that god had other plans for his beautiful creation and perhaps he waa missing her in heaven as much I miss her on earth…

        Thanks for sharing the beauty that she was with me today… 🙂

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